An April and May of Flaming June
Frederic Lord Leighton’s Flaming June
So, I have some good news. I am expecting.
Yep. Baby number two is coming to planet earth this winter and we are all super excited.
The only asterisk to the situation is I have also been getting my butt kicked with "morning" sickness for about 12 weeks.
For the past 12 weeks I have felt super nauseated, thrown up a lot in the comfort of my own home and the uncomfort of public places (airport lounge bathroom, coffee shop, moving cars, etc.)
I don’t do sick well.
In fact, I identify a lot with Chris Trager on Parks and Rec where he emphasizes how his body is a microchip - finely tuned to what makes it perfectly healthy and running in tip-top shape. If something upsets this homeostasis it all falls to bits.
Well folks, this pregnancy upgrade has been one of the most challenging fall-to-bits and try-to-rebuild things I’ve ever gone through.
I really wanted to write this blog from the other side of things. I’ve been sitting on the words to write down when I’m finally feeling vital and healthy and settled and ready to frolic around beautifully barefoot with cute little protruding preggers belly.
Instead, I write this curled up in bed, nauseous with a sour taste on my tongue that has also been almost 24/7 for months.
It has not been pretty. I’m not through it. And I’ve cried and I’ve yelled and I’ve prayed and I’ve tried almost every healer and helper you could imagine (core synchronism, acupuncture, chiropractors, German new medicine, herbalism, homeopathy, intuitives) I and my deep bench of a healing team are hopeful but honestly stumped.
I have been called to slow down and surrender in a way I have never ever (ever) encountered before.
I don’t play the languid goddess well. I’m more of an active one, but I’ve been doing my best to embrace this new role of Flaming June for many weeks now.
(I should also add I’m grateful I have the luxury to explore these healing options and face-plant (well, more side plant) on the couch for hours. I don’t take it lightly.)
I’m in the muck and the mire and a great yogi once said that’s actually where enlightenment is - and I quote: "enlightenment is in the piss and shit."
I’ll keep you posted as I wade through.
Yet as I continued to hold these words back, it occurred to me that there may be others going through some real trials right now. Maybe they're not physical, but maybe they're still just as arduous, debilitating and consuming. And maybe, just maybe, me sharing this today might offer some relief or at least some camaraderie on the journey.
In case it's helpful, here's a list of things that have given some relief and a list of things I’m learning to let go of:
Things that have helped:
Louise Hay affirmations for tough times: All is well, everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come and I am safe.
Watching funny TV (lots and lots of Parks and Rec)
This song and almost anything by St. Finnikin but especially this song.
Uber eats
Abraham Hicks videos
Friends understanding how much this sucks and just listening when I need to vent or ugly cry about how difficult its all been
Staying present, reminding myself nothing lasts forever and as trite as it sound, this too shall pass
Extreme perspective shifting moments - the Diving Bell and the Butterfly movie was excellent. I plan to read the book soon
Things I'm letting go of:
Any guilt around not wanting to look at much less eat a vegetable for weeks
Teaching more or advancing my career at this time. As much as I love to share my work in the world this is absolutely not the moment
Shoulding all over my home life re: cooking, cleaning, laundry, any domestic goddess affairs
Perfect pregnancy recommendations re walking, meditating, squats, etc.
Any social engagements or niceties whatsoever
Things are not tied up in a bow. All is not better in the second trimester. And yet, I do feel hopeful. I do know there is medicine and there are lessons in the challenges. I know I'm not seeing it all clearly now but I just have to do my best to breathe, to stay present, and to remind myself how ephemeral this all really is.
If you're in it too, I hope this brings some solace and companionship on your own climb up the mountain. We can do this.
Now, back to a few episodes of Parks and Rec.
Much love,
Joanna