The Gifts of Impermanence

 I recently purchased a new phone. I had been needing one for a while, so I popped over to a local store and got things set up for a new device. 

Everything seemed to go perfectly. Except when we got home and realized about 5 months of photos and videos were missing. 

Pre motherhood, this would mean a lot of pictures of flowers, farmers markets, Theo the dog and perhaps a few awkward selfies. Now, it means sweet little moments I captured of my son digitally are gone forever.

You see, I’m one of those people who loves pushing the limit on things. Batteries. Gas tanks. And yes, iCloud storage. I had been technically out of storage for a while, but the camera kept letting me take more photos and videos so...I forged ahead.

Yes, I also ignored that wise little intuitive voice that kept encouraging me to plug my phone into my computer just in case - to get the photos in another place earlier that week.

I didn’t do it. I lost a lot. And for about 24 hours I was very, very upset.

But you see, the wonderful thing about having a spiritual practice, is when the crap hits the fan, you have tools to work with.

While this was by no means a crisis of safety or health or some other major thing, it was a crisis of fighting impermanence. A crisis of control, and memory, and frustration over losing something that was never really mine to keep.

I went through a few phases once this went down. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Contemplation. I swirled through much of these for about a day, and then I started to ask myself some questions on the road to making peace with the situation.

First I thought about how accurate the yogic teaching of having a triple backup plan is. More on that in another post - it’s a wonderful teaching.

Then, I questioned who were these photos really for. Did I think my son was going to actually want to look at thousands of pictures of himself in his first year of life? Though he is a Leo, probably not. These pictures were for me. For nostalgia. And though very sweet, they often invoked a bit of sadness. How quick the time goes. How transient it all is. How growth and time work with each of us as great teachers. 

Once I realized these pictures were mostly for my own edification, something relaxed. I still have a few choice pictures and videos I’ve patched together from family members. I am able to share those with my son when he’s older. But I can also celebrate - yes celebrate - the reminder that this is all a passing through. It is impermanent.

This intense time of motherhood.
The early months and years.
The lack of sleep.
This body. 
The corona times we’re in.
Childhood.
Adulthood.
Time on planet earth.
This very breath.

It is all on loan. It is all impermanent. It is all a passing through. 

And while a few photos are nice of course, clinging too tightly to the past is a painful exercise in insanity. It never works. And it only pushes us further away from the place of real reprieve - the present. The now.

This moment. Right here.

And what’s more, I’ve now made art through my own personal crisis. Sharing thoughts in hopes that they have a positive affect on your life and situation at some point. 

So here’s to learning lessons of impermanence and savoring the presence of what’s in front of you. 

It’s the only real thing worth clinging to.